Daily Jokes by E-mail

Funny jokes to brighten your day!

Dec
31

Boat Troubles

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During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried. After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem. Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air. Under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

Dec
31

George Costanza’s Tips For Working Hard IX

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Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines andpick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely whenin conversation with bosses. Remember: They don’t have tounderstand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

Dec
31

Pet Owners

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There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guywith a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinschersays to the guy with a Chihuahua, ‘Let’s go over tothat restaurant and get something to eat. ‘ The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us. ‘ The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, ‘Just follow my lead. ‘ They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walkin. A guy at the door says, ‘Sorry, mac, no pets allowed. ‘ The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, ‘You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog. ‘ The guy at the door says, ‘A Doberman Pinscher? ‘ He says, ‘Yes, they’re using them now, they’re very good. ‘ The guy at the door says, ‘Come on in. ‘ The guy with the Chihuahua figures, ‘What the hell, ‘ so he putson a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. The guy at the door says, ‘Sorry, pal, no pets allowed. ‘ The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘You don’t understand. This ismy seeing-eye dog. ‘ The guy at the door says, ‘A Chihuahua? ‘ The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘You mean they gave me a Chihuahua? ‘

Dec
30

Free Drinks For Everyone

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One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.” So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36. 50 please.” The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out. On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. “What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender. “Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”

Jul
01

Who Gave You Those Black Eyes?

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A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.” Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?”" Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”

Jun
30

Cant Stop With The Q And A’s

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Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn’t know which one came first! Q: How can you confuse a blonde? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg? A: Nothing, they never met. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can’t fetch a beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Because the blondes couldn’t manage it either. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden retriever! Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts? A: Change! Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know which day of the week it is. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week! Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted! Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she’s pregnant. Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory? A: She threw out all the W’s

Jun
30

George Costanza’s Tips For Working Hard VIII

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Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

Jun
29

There Were Two Cats That Enjoyed Running Together…

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There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three. The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a hugeriver. The cats took a large run up and leapt asfar as they could. Which cat drowned? Un-deux-trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq)

Apr
11

Blonde And The Puzzle

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A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?”" Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”" Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” “Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.” “It’s a big rooster,” she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”

Apr
10

If She Went Out With Me

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A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again.” To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”