Daily Jokes by E-mail

Funny jokes to brighten your day!

Apr
11

Blonde And The Puzzle

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A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?”" Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”" Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” “Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.” “It’s a big rooster,” she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”

Apr
10

If She Went Out With Me

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A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again.” To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”

Apr
09

Two Neighbors Had Been Fighting Each Other…

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Two neighbors had been fighting each other fornigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane andteaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use thebathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and ahalf of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; beingignored all the while, a semi pulls up in frontof Bill’s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the18-wheeler. ‘My new pet elephant, ‘ Bill replies solemly.

Apr
07

George Costanza’s Tips For Working Hard VII

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Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.

Mar
09

On Preparing To Return Home From An Out Of Town Trip…

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On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppyonboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of hispants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shakingand quivering. ‘Are you OK, sir? ‘ asked the stew? ‘Yes, I’m fine. ‘ said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.. ‘Are you sure you’re alright sir? ‘ ‘Yes. ‘ said the man, ‘but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants. ‘ ‘Whats wrong? ‘ asked the stew, ‘Is he not house broken? ‘ ‘No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet! ‘

Mar
09

A Brain Goes To A Local Bar

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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.” The barman looks at him and says “Sorry, I can’t serve you.”" Why not?” askes the brain.” You’re already out of your head.”

Mar
09

I Don’t Owe Anything For This Drink

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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?” The guy answers, “A scotch, please.” The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.” A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.” The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.” The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!” The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!” The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.” To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”

Mar
09

How To Hunt Elephants — QA Style

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How to Hunt Elephants — QA Style Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and lookfor mistakes the other hunters made when they were packingthe jeep.

Mar
09

George Costanza’s Tips For Working Hard III

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Messy desk. Top management can get away with a cleandesk. For the rest of us, it looks like you’re not workinghard enough. Build huge piles of documents around yourworkspace. To the observer, last year’s work looks the sameas today’s work; it’s volume that counts. Pile them high andwide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, burythe document you’ll need halfway down in an existing stackand rummage for it when he/she arrives.

Mar
08

Odd Jobs

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A blonde who’s down on her luck is walking through a luxurious neighborhood looking for odd jobs to do when she approaches a large house. She goes up to the house, rings the bell and the owner comes to the door. He asks the lady what he can do for her. The blonde tells him of her situation, that she is down on her luck and wants to know if he has any odd jobs that she could do. The man thinks about it for a second and then remembers that he has been wanting to paint his porch. He asks the blonde if she paints? The blonde says, “Sure anything.” “Well, I’ve been wanting to paint my porch, how much would you charge?” the man replies.” I don’t know, say $50 bucks.” “Sounds good. Go ahead and get started.” He closes the door and walks back inside. His wife asks him, “Who was at the door?” He tells her of the blonde and her situation and then told his wife that the blonde agreed to paint the porch for $50 bucks. The astonished wife says, “$50 bucks, but that porch goes the full length of our house and then some. It will be at least a few hours job. You really should pay her more.” “But that’s all she said she wanted, and anyway she’s a dumb blonde!” 10 minutes later, they get a knock on the door. The man answers the door and the blone stands there and says, “All done.” With a surprised look on his face, “I can’t believe it, you’re already done painting the entire porch.”" Yes, and by the way it’s not a porch it’s a Ferrari.”