Daily Jokes by E-mail

Funny jokes to brighten your day!

Jul
01

Who Gave You Those Black Eyes?

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A regular at Bob’s Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.” Whoa, Sam!” said the bartender. “Who gave those beauties to you?”" Nobody gave them to me,” said Sam. “I had to fight like crazy for both of them.”

Jun
30

Cant Stop With The Q And A’s

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Q: Why couldn’t the blonde write the number ELEVEN? A: Because she didn’t know which one came first! Q: How can you confuse a blonde? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: How do blonde brain cells die? A: Alone. Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg? A: Nothing, they never met. Q: Why did God create blondes? A: Because sheep can’t fetch a beer from the fridge. Q: Why did God create brunettes? A: Because the blondes couldn’t manage it either. Q: What do you call a smart blonde? A: A Golden retriever! Q: What do you get when you ask a blonde, a penny for your thoughts? A: Change! Q: Why do blondes take the pill? A: So they know which day of the week it is. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde? A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won’t follow you around for a week! Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: Why did eighteen blondes go to the movies together? A: They heard that under seventeen weren’t admitted! Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common? A: They both have a black box. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she’s pregnant. Q: Why did the Blonde get fired at the M & M factory? A: She threw out all the W’s

Jun
30

George Costanza’s Tips For Working Hard VIII

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Stacking Strategy. It is not enough to pile lots ofdocuments on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc. .Can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.

Jun
29

There Were Two Cats That Enjoyed Running Together…

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There were two cats that enjoyed running together. The first cat was english, called One-two-three. The other was french and called Un-deux-trois. One day when they were running they came to a hugeriver. The cats took a large run up and leapt asfar as they could. Which cat drowned? Un-deux-trois cat sank (un deux trois quatre cinq)

Apr
11

Blonde And The Puzzle

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A blonde calls her husband at work one day and asks him, “Can you help me when you get home?”" Sure,” he replies. “What’s the problem?”" Well, I started a really hard puzzle and I can’t even find the edge pieces.” “Look on the box,” he said. “There’s always a picture of what the puzzle is.” “It’s a big rooster,” she said. The husband arrives home and tells his blonde wife, “Okay, put the corn flakes back in the box.”

Apr
10

If She Went Out With Me

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A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn’t smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers. In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town’s football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend. The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, “Buddy, if she went out with me, she’d never go out with you ever again.” To which the local jock replied, “Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she’d never go out with ANYONE ever again.”

Apr
09

Two Neighbors Had Been Fighting Each Other…

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Two neighbors had been fighting each other fornigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane andteaches it to use the bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use thebathroom in Bill’s yard. After about a year and ahalf of Bob’s cow crapping in Bill’s yard; beingignored all the while, a semi pulls up in frontof Bill’s house. Bob runs over and demands to know what’s in the18-wheeler. ‘My new pet elephant, ‘ Bill replies solemly.

Apr
07

George Costanza’s Tips For Working Hard VII

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Creative Sighing for Effect. Sigh loudly when there aremany people around, giving the impression that you arevery hard pressed.

Mar
09

On Preparing To Return Home From An Out Of Town Trip…

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On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppyonboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of hispants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shakingand quivering. ‘Are you OK, sir? ‘ asked the stew? ‘Yes, I’m fine. ‘ said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again.. ‘Are you sure you’re alright sir? ‘ ‘Yes. ‘ said the man, ‘but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants. ‘ ‘Whats wrong? ‘ asked the stew, ‘Is he not house broken? ‘ ‘No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet! ‘

Mar
09

A Brain Goes To A Local Bar

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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.” The barman looks at him and says “Sorry, I can’t serve you.”" Why not?” askes the brain.” You’re already out of your head.”